If Washington D.C. were a candidate for government, I’d ask it many questions to see if the District was the right government for me.
I’d put Washington D.C. upon a pulpit with several other States, or at least my own State of Utah, and see which one had morals and values as close to my own. Of course, I’d attach a lie detector to verify the truth of its answers…
And I imagine that honest dialog and candid Q & A would go something like this:
Mr. Washington D.C, what goals and accomplishments have you made towards cleaning up the streets in your City and getting your homeless citizens off the streets? And what would you tell the average American household living in one of the States who may wish to either move to your fair district or to have you as their re-elected Central government for 2014?
And then I imagine its answer would go something like this:
“Uh-huh- well, um , I… ah, that’s a great question there, Clint. As the central government of the United States, Washington D.C. has always striven to be the model City of moral certitude in this nation. Compared to Utah over there, our murder rate jumped by 69% in February of last year… Overall, though, incidents of violent crime — homicides, sexual assaults, robberies, assaults with deadly weapons and all that nasty business — well, they are rising at an alarming pace. The biggest increase was in the 1st District, which includes ah, you know… the ah, well… Capitol Hill – where violent crime jumped by 69 percent, with 110 incidents reported compared with 65 at this point last year. In Washington D.C. we have wonderfully high crime statistics. For instance, your chances of becoming a victim of violent crime in Washington now stands at about 1 in 83 persons, with about 12.02 annual crimes per 1,000 residents. Real estate fact-checking site “Neighborhood Scout” rates Washington D.C. on its crime index as a 5 out of 100 for the safeness of its residents, making Washington D.C. “Safer than 5% of the cities in the United States”. The district had an impressive average of 542 crimes per square mile, compared with the United States American city comparison and medium average of 39 crimes per square mile. We’re proud to be riddled with crime here in our decaying festering ooze of a City. And our moto is “What happens in Washington D.C. is top secret, and stays in D.C. And as you know, Clint, our State- er, ah- District corporation flower is the Afghanistan Poppy. Now, if your question is to ask whether a family should move from say the State of Utah over there, my answer would have to be absolutely! I mean just consider the two side by side… Utah’s annual crime rate per 1,000 residents is at 1.95 – That’s almost 1,000 percent less than in our dark city of Washington D.C. here. And for God’s sake, one of your children has a 1 in 513 chance of becoming a victim of violent crime in Utah, again a more than 600% less chance to be mugged, shot, or stabbed. And don’t forget: Washington D.C. has double the property theft and triple the motor vehicle theft than the United States average. And let’s face it, even the great gangland City of Chicago can’t hold a candle to the political crime and theft happening from within Capital Hill. We like to say Washington is any mafia’s wet dream! Now who in their right mind wouldn’t want little old Washington D.C. to be the central organized criminal government of their State?”
Ah yes… Mr. Washington D.C, what is your stance on illegal immigration, and, what is your message to those illegal immigrants who try and move into Washington without legal status?
“Oh splendid; another good question my lad… You’ve asked a question dear to my heart, Clint. You know – everyone I’m sure is familiar with our border security program, allowing millions of undocumented workers into each and every State they choose to enter. But our real pride and joy is our own little City of Sin here. You know, Washington D.C. is already one of the most secure City’s in the entire world, with a whole secret service and military at our instant disposal. So you can imagine how proud we are to say that… ah, well- most- well no… a lot of our citizens are in fact legal residents. Why in 2007, Judicial Watch put out a wonderful article exposing what a fine place Washington D.C. is for non-citizen illegal aliens. It stated that “Judicial Watch Lawsuit Uncovers Documents Detailing Washington, D.C. Police Department’s Illegal Immigration Sanctuary Policies – Former Washington D.C. Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey (stated): “The department is… not in the business of enforcing civil immigration laws”. It went on to verify in a lawsuit that: “Within days of the filing of Judicial Watch’s lawsuit, the Washington DC’s Police Department released a memo from Charles H. Ramsey who, until recently, served as Chief of Police, that states: “MPD [Washington’s Metropolitan Police Department] officers are strictly prohibited from making inquiries into citizenship or residency status for the purpose of determining whether an individual has violated the civil immigration laws or for the purpose of enforcing those laws… the MPD is not in the business of inquiring about the residency status of the people we serve and is not in the business of enforcing civil immigration laws. (end quote) The newly released documents also reiterate the “limited” and infrequent support the department offers to federal immigration officials. “The sanctuary policies of Washington DC’s police department are a disgrace and an affront to the rule of law. Local police departments do not have a free pass to violate and undermine federal immigration law,” said Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton. “Our nation’s capital, of all places, should not undermine federal immigration law, but rather set an example for other cities in the U.S. I hope Congress and the Bush administration take some action to ensure that the rule of law is respected here in Washington, DC.”… Judicial Watch filed a taxpayer lawsuit seeking to end a similar sanctuary police policy in Los Angeles, known as “Special Order 40.” And our wonderful Washington, D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray signed an executive order in the District formalizing the existing “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy – a policy which prohibits police from inquiring about the immigration status of people they arrest or from reporting that status to federal authorities. So to answer your question… we absolutely love illegal immigration, and we sincerely welcome all newcomers to our great and obviously tightly secured and safe city. And of course Americans can trust us in Washington D.C. to be responsible for protecting the borders of both Washington D.C. and of all of America. Don’t worry, we’ll just ad the cost to the national debt. And chances are that will never be paid off – at least in your or your children’s lifetime. And by the way, our publicity department posted this information this year, stating: “The Washington DC metro area’s foreign-born population increased 70 percent during the 1990s. This growth accounts for 49 percent of the District of Columbia’s overall population increase. This population growth translates into struggles for the metro area, including overcrowded schools, traffic gridlock, and a rising burden on taxpayers as communities struggle to meet the increased demand for public services. The Cost of Illegal Immigration in Washington DC – The District of Columbia’s foreign-born population increased by almost 29 percent between the years 2000 and 2006. During that period, the District of Columbia gained almost 21,000 immigrants, bringing the total number of foreign-born residents in the state to over 94,000. The District of Columbia’s naturalized population is 22,050, one of the lowest rates in the country. The national average naturalized population rate is 40.1 percent. This low rate of naturalization continues the trend from 1990, and indicates the high settlement rate of new immigrants and the growing number of illegal immigrants. Less than one-third, or 29.3 percent, of the District of Columbia’s 58,887 foreign-born residents have become naturalized U.S. citizens. The national average of naturalized foreign-born residents is 40.3 percent. The cost of illegal immigration to DC residents is considerable as taxpayer dollars are responsible for incarceration, medical, and the educational costs of immigrants.” Now how can you argue with those statistics? Washington D.C. is the central government for you, specializing in all your border security and illegal immigration needs! And as for Utah there, its hard to say. Utah is now one of our most favorite States in the Union. You know we are just nearing completion of the largest data mining center in the universe, and the computer and internet corporations are being paid to move to Utah as data collectors by U.S. Taxpayer dollars, namely low interest loans called Corporate Bonds. Despite this fact, even as Utah is fast becoming one of the most monitored, recorded, and filmed States in the Union, we love it because at the same time Utah has allowed the United States corporation here in Washington D.C. to pass very good sanctuary laws there, including Federal programs like E-Verify, which punishes employers for not hiring illegal aliens. You see, Utah now offers illegal aliens work permits. All they have to do is cross a few borders and they are safe in the center of America’s high desert! Of course we won’t try and stop ’em. We encourage this journey. Me and the boys here nicknamed it the enchilada trail of tears. But hey, the more the merrier, I say… know what I mean?”
Speaking of the new National Security Agency building in Utah, just how do you plan on securing our airspace and airports if you were re-elected as central government?
“Well, my boy, I’m sure glad you asked that. That’s a softball question, so let’s hit it out of the park, shall we? Now as you know Washington D.C. and its massive corporate surveillance apparatus, of which the District and federal pension and other trust investment schemes around the country and the world stand as the main institutional investor and shareholder, have entered into government mandated partnerships with internet service and software providers to ensure that any and all digital transactions and messages get recorded and cataloged. Facial and movement recognition is already in place in some airports across the nation, and we expect very soon to have biometric data retrieval hard and software in place some time in the next couple of years. The microchip is still in the works, and we hope to transfer that right into the finger or somewhere on the right arm. There has been talk of a forehead placement for instant brain interface purposes, but that would be a last resort due to cancer concerns. As you know Clint the government’s First Net closed internet is also nearing completion, which means that not even the most remote location in Alaska will not have government private internet access. We are really excited about that one, I must say. And of course we still have the standard no-fly list that is ever-increasing in bad citizens. We here at Washington D.C. feel that the best way to stop terrorists from flying is to stop free-thinking, educated, and law-abiding citizens from flying at all. We think our record stands for itself. We are not afraid to touch anyone… anywhere. Our credo here at Washington D.C’s corporate subsidiary called Transportation Security Agency – that’s TSA for short, is: not by law or by moral or by right, we shall serve the people through radiation and molestation. We stand by our lower than average IQ citizens who bravely go where no others will go in the TSA, and they know that privacy is tantamount to terrorism. And by the way, we are taking requests for names to add to that no-fly list, and you can apply by simply talking negatively about government or, you know, blowing the whistle on one of our less than legal projects or corporations. We also now offer permits for free speech and other privileges within airport property, as you well know Clint. Our permit system is ever expanding, and we expect these permits for free speech to extend to all parts of the United States. And we just finished constructing and revitalizing many old and new “free speech zones”, now offering more enclosed public-private-partnership spaces in each State for those with permits to speak. All in all, if anyone is still even allowed to fly by 2016, we expect to have a complete monopoly on all aspects of the flying experience, from controlling stock in the airlines, baggage companies, airport restaurants and shops, Duty free shops, services, and of course the entire security grid for all airports in the nation – that is, of course, if the United States is re-elected as your central government.”
Alright, thank you Mr. Washington D.C. Just one final question…
How do you propose to control the increase in insider trading taking place on the commodities, bond, and stock markets today?
“Well, of course, we will protect our congressmen and Senators who participate in that privilege, just as we have for decades. Why our own ethics committee members are some of the most prolific insider traders on the block! We were even profiled on 60 minutes for our special talent at profiting from inside information. This is just one of the many privileges that our members of the legislature enjoy. And the Executive and Judicial branches certainly will continue with their efforts on this front. I assure you, Clint and the people of America, when it comes to your government and its privileges of insider trading, I can guarantee you that big government will keep its nose out of your representative government’s activities. So again, people… remember to vote United States on your next ballot for central government of America. And if you decide to go with another candidate this year, we understand all that hope and change rhetoric. Our corporate interest and control in Diebold and other companies who manufacture your voting machines guarantee to be right there to collect and tally your votes for central government, so you know the election process will be guaranteed to be honest and fair. Honest. As always, thank you for your patriotic support and manufactured consent. We plan on being here to serve and protect you for a very, very, very, very, very long time to come.
Of course, many will recognize this as satire, though barely so.
I’ll tell you one thing… If Washington D.C, its presidents, its congress, and its judicial branches were going to be on the ballot this year as a single candidate for the American central government, I certainly wouldn’t vote for it.
How ’bout you?
The real question is: How can a morally and ethically corrupt city-district like this be responsible for the rest of America when it can’t even govern itself within its own laws?
–Clint Richardson (realitybloger.wordpress.com)
–Saturday, July 6th, 2013